sunnydaydown

I did a lot of soul searching yesterday and thought about what’s driving my whole weight loss programme. Part of the reason lies with the fact that I’ve been on the receiving end of fat jokes for more than a decade. I felt unwanted and always thought that I was a ‘lesser’ being just because I couldn’t fit in with my thin peers. My relatives mocked at me whenever I was around for the Chinese New Year dinner. I could feel them eyeing every single morsel I devour from the table and progressively, as I got older, they kept harping on the fact that I’m still single simply because no boy would want a fat girlfriend. They were wrong of course because, I did meet my first boyfriend when I was 17.

I knew he loved me as a person but he just couldn’t handle the fact that I weighed so much more than him. It was one of the reasons for all the arguments until I delivered an ultimatum: Love me as I am or we should just call it quits. We did, and consequently, he did try to get me back and we were in an on-off relationship till last Christmas when I decided to just end it for good. I am only 21 and I do believe I deserve better. If he couldn’t accept how I look, chances are, there are many faults that he couldn’t live with anyway. Still, it didn’t mean I was immune to all the horrible emotional onslaught that followed and as a matter of fact, my ego was shattered because the break-up further vindicated what the relatives have said all along.

Another incident came along which seriously devastated my self-esteem. Now, I know I may be fat but I’ve always been popular among friends because I’m the one with the sense of humor, the life of the party, or so they say. So once, I was at this party with my incredibly model-like girl friends, we’re having a great time when they bumped into their guy friends who happened to have other  guy friends too. In accordance with normal social protocol, the guys take turns shaking hands with us and introducing themselves. But the last guy did something that completely threw me off-guard. As he went down the line, shaking hands with my awesome friends, he simply skipped me and was back to the dance-floor. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so insulted in my life.

And come to think of it, it’s been really unfair. I realize I could be really smart, funny, witty and be a damn good singer but it would not matter just because people could not see past my size and that really sucks. They couldn’t make it past the first layer to discover that I’ve got so much more to offer than those waif-like bimbos. It’s disheartening because if compared to the relatives, I could be the brain with the scholarship but it wouldn’t mean anything simply because I wasn’t thin and beautiful.

However, that was months ago and I’ve decided enough is enough. I’m now out with a vengeance to prove my detractors wrong.

Yes, I’m pretty much dangerous.

Sorry for not being a regular blogger cos I was busy with school work. (As it is, I actually skipped my class today just so I could take a breather from all the assignments and tests.) On the health side, I’ve been losing weight a tad too slow for my liking these days. It took almost a good 10 days before I shed 2 pounds and trust me, weighing myself daily just to see that the needle didn’t move an inch almost killed me. I wanted to defenestrate myself. (Hurhur. New word that I picked up on Facebook. Means to “throw out of the window”.) But anyway, I’m glad I did manage to lose that 2 pounds to become 174 pounds (79kg) which was basically the weight I was at when I was 14 years old. Woots.

Bumped into my cousin at the mall the other day and she was rather astonished at how much weight I lost. And I was absolutely filled with pride when I informed her that I did it all through my own efforts (no pills, no slimming centers, no “miracle” gels etc) and I could tell she was impressed. Well, I’m still waiting to shock more relatives when I see them next during the Lunar New Year.

KA-BAM!